


unsure of how to handle unhappy hands

by lotts (LottieAnna)



Series: screenshot of youth [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bitterness, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-26 15:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14404593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/lotts
Summary: Tito is good at being happy. He’s the attitude guy, keeps it loose and doesn’t let the worries get to him, and that’s his whole thing— he draws smiley faces on his stick tape and jumps on his teammates, bounces around during warmups and makes dumb, silly faces in selfies.(In which Anthony Beauvillier is not happy, or, a scene from "screenshot of youth" retold)





	unsure of how to handle unhappy hands

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU FOUND THIS THROUGH GOOGLING, KNOW ANYONE MENTIONED IN THIS STORY PERSONALLY, OR ARE MENTIONED YOURSELF: please, please click away. This is a work of fiction and nothing written in this story is true. Any accurate information used in this story is publicly available information about public figures, the rest is made up, 100%.
> 
> idr who i sent this to and who left comments when i first wrote it? but thank you mystery person who is like almost definitely ang. 
> 
> here's a snippet from tito's pov. hope it's fun/provides a lil bit of insight.

So, it was bad after Winnipeg, and it was bad when he got sent down, and it was bad when he was waiting in Bridgeport knowing he was gonna get called back up at the end of the bye week, but the absolute worst is this, right now, after they’ve just killed it against the Rangers, and Tito can’t even bring himself to be happy.

Tito is good at being happy. He’s the attitude guy, keeps it loose and doesn’t let the worries get to him, and that’s his whole thing— he draws smiley faces on his stick tape and jumps on his teammates, bounces around during warmups and makes dumb, silly faces in selfies. Even when he’s down, he still tries to be upbeat, and usually he can muster something of a smile, or some semblance of enthusiasm, but today he just— can’t.

And he doesn’t even have any reason to be sad, is the thing, or at least, any reason to be sadder than he has been for the last few weeks, but it’s almost worse, _because_ he should be happy.

He feels weird, and not like himself, and he just— he doesn’t like it.

It’s all his fault, and he knows it. Like, sure, it’s the world’s fault, and it’s Mat’s fault most of all, but it’s his, first and foremost, for not even bothering to prepare for things turning to shit. Getting sent down had been whatever, because he’d seen it coming, and he’d already found the bright side to it before it happened, but he’d somehow never expected Mat to break his fucking heart, and, like—

Like. He should have.

And Tito hadn’t been dumb, alright, he didn’t want to think about the big gay question hanging over their heads the entire time, but he’d still been aware of it. He’d known it wasn’t gonna be as simple as ‘I like you, you like me,’ and he’d known that he had to reconcile some shit with himself, but still, he hadn’t expected this much fallout.

There’s this giant Mat-shaped hole in his life, which fucking sucks, because he’s not gonna get away from Mat any time soon, with the way they’re playing together, and the whole thing just feels helpless.

Plus, he’s so fucking _angry._

He wants to scream, wants to _hit_ someone, wants to tell Mat exactly how much of an idiot he’s being, how unfair it is that he’s roping Tito into his good-decision-making kick, because where had this ‘we can’t be together’ hopelessness been for the months they spent in bed together? He can’t even look back and find signs that Mat hadn’t been right there, silently on the same page, and when Tito finally decided to make the smart choice—which he’d done _because_ he wanted to do things right with Mat, _because_ Mat had made it seem like there was something right between them—Mat shut him down, and it wasn’t _fair._

It _still_ isn’t fair, even though Tito’s gone up and down and put thousands of miles between them and kissed someone else since all that shit went down.

Like, maybe Tito shouldn’t have gone into it expecting to get a fucking boyfriend out of it, and maybe this isn’t the universe punishing him for talking about his feelings for once in his fucking life, but it feels like it.

And Mat has the audacity to look sad about it, even though this is _all his fault._ Tito can’t even hope that it’s secretly not all Mat’s fault, because the alternative is that it’s really just that shitty and impossible to be happy, play hockey, and like guys at the same time, and those are three things that Tito can’t really give up.

So, Mat comes over, and Tito has to hold back the urge to punch him in the face.

“Hey,” he says, sounding nervous. “You played well tonight.”

Tito hopes he’s not trying to be friends again. Mat has to know that he hasn’t earned that yet, and Tito doesn’t like the idea that Mat’s even ready.

“Thanks.”

“We’re good on the same line,” Mat says. “I really like playing with you.”

He sighs. “It was a fun game.”

“And we both feel like crap, for some reason,” Mat says, and it’s maybe the last thing Tito expected to hear him say.

So, they’re doing honesty tonight, then.

“I mean, what do you expect?” Tito says, and he can’t really bring himself to look at Mat.

“I guess that’s fair,” Mat says, and then he shakes his head. “I don’t like this.”

“Well, neither do I,” Tito snaps, and he wishes Mat was giving him—something. Anything. An excuse to throw a drink in his face or yell at him, but Mat looks even more pathetic than Tito feels.

“Then let’s cut it out,” he says, sounding desperate. “C’mon, let’s celebrate, or whatever. We kicked ass.”

“I’m not really feeling super celebratory,” Tito says.

“Because of—”

“This, yeah,” Tito says, and he squeezes his glass as he speaks, still not really able to meet Mat’s eye.  “Sorry, just—like, it was both of us, y’know? Like, we’re good together, and that’s great, but it also really fucking sucks, a little bit.”

“Well, then, don’t let it suck,” Mat says, and Tito could actually punch him, but he also feels something tug at him, not just anger, but sadness, almost like grief.

“Wow, I never thought of it that way,” he says, carefully keeping his voice sarcastic, because otherwise he’s just gonna sound hysterical. “You’re right, sorry, and while I’m at it, I’ll get over you, make it easier for both of us.”

“Tito—”

“It’s fine, no one is here,” Tito says, cutting him off.

“That’s not what I was gonna say,” Mat says, and Tito hates the way his stomach flips at that. “Just— I don’t know, maybe this is all just… stupid.”

Hope sparks in Tito’s chest at that, small and quickly put out, but he doesn’t forget the feeling.

“What?”

“I mean, we both hate this,” Mat says. “So why don’t we—I don’t know.” He looks up, searching for the words. “Like, maybe I was being an idiot, before.”

“When?” Tito says, trying to keep his voice even, because there’s no way—

“When I—” He cuts himself off when someone walks by, waits until they’re out of earshot before speaking again. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

“Okay,” Tito says, cautious.

“Have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Have you been thinking about it,” Mat says.

Tito wants to lie, but he can’t, not about this. “I mean, yeah,” he says. “Not constantly, but—”

“I don’t mean how shitty things are now,” Mat says. “I mean, like—what it would be like if we just went for what we want, y’know?”

And that’s something Tito hasn’t thought about since Mat broke things off, because Mat had said they couldn’t. Tito’s spent weeks trying to tell himself that they couldn’t, and now Mat’s making it seem like all that effort was for nothing.

Tito wishes he felt more angry about it.  

“Do you even know what you want?” Tito says.

“I’m still working on the specifics,” Mat says honestly. “But I’ve figured out the most important part.”

“And what’s that?” Tito asks, probably a little breathless, but Mat doesn’t seem to notice.

“You,” Mat says. “That’s the thing. Most of what I want, it’s just— you.”

Here’s the thing: Tito doesn’t like being sad, and he’s angry at Mat for making him like this, but now Mat’s saying he doesn’t have to be, and for the first time in weeks, Tito lets himself feel okay with things. Maybe it’s the satisfaction of feeling like he’s right and hearing Mat call himself an idiot, and maybe it’s because he’s remembering kissing Mat, and maybe it’s because he feels more centered, knowing that it’s okay to hope again, and that Mat was just clueless and scared and all sorts of other things Tito can forgive, but in any event—

There’s a way for them to do this right, and there’s something here worth having faith in.

That’s something Tito can do.

“Let’s go somewhere and talk,” Tito says. “Just the two of us.”

He smiles a little, and Mat looks at him like he set the world back on its axis.


End file.
